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JFK-London (didn't happen BTW) 3/6/06

my pocket feels empty without you in it, there a the other end of a phone i no longer carry. my life feels empty, drained of your presence here in a portal-of my own choosing-to misery. i think i know what i want, or at least what i don't...and i want to be beside your kisses in a soft bed tonight, not at the beginning of a long journey to reteach myself the pain of unfulfillment. not to be so alone without a familiar face to be seen.
love makes itself so much more visible in absence but i have to tell myself that this maleable world is mine to shape for me and to remember that there is no time, so i can never have really left you. but i wish i were telling this to your face not just to this notebook and myself.
i don't think i'll ever be able to go alone again...that's what death is for, not this life that so demands your company.
i have so much trouble soothing myself, comfort has become yours to give. and i wonder, without meaning to, if this is really necessary. and suppose, without knowing, that it must be. there are no sweet returns without sad goodbyes. so, goodbye.